that would make things so much easier: it would give a meaning to things ... it would teach that things happen for a reason.

it would help me feel better about bad things that have happened; things that still haunt me now.

but if i believed in god, it would not help. i would merely lose respect for myself, for taking the easy way out, for believing something just to make life easier to swallow.

(not like i do not do other things to acheive the same result.)

kind-of like my attitude towards seeing a shrink. some day i am going to write a rant about my stupid shrink experiences. ("no, i do not have any holocaust issues!" i screamed, in response to a shrink query regarding my jewish name. "can't you see ... i am upset because my boyfriend dumped me!")

if i needed a shrink to make me feel better about myself, the problem has not been solved ... i am still dependent upon external sources for my self esteem. (gee, that psychology degree was good for something.)

it is just my woody allen stage, part II.

here is a secret: there was a time in my life when i really would have loved to have been called arrogant. instead i was called an airhead, a lightweight, not an "intellectual giant." this was both while i was a student at stanford, and while a member of the harvard law review. "oh, if only they would call me arrogant!" i bemoaned ... "that would imply some base level of self-respect that is respectable."

people used to scold me, and ask me how i could ever expect anyone to take me seriously if i do not take myself seriously?

they were right.