Why do people find a combination of beauty and brains so surprising?
I always figured, if someone is so smart, they can figure out how to look good.
It's not rocket science.

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I am watching the most amazing movie -- "Ruby in Paradise." John told me to watch it right after we broke up. He said that it was a brilliant film, and that the woman in it was beautiful, smart and strong, and a writer. He begged me to see it; he gave me the videotape where he had it recorded; he scolded me afterwards. That was almost four years ago; so hard to believe, but I never watched it.

Not until now, and only because the Bravo channel has been playing it over and over all weekend.

John was right. And he truly wanted me to watch it because he knew it would make me happy -- not because it would make him happy.

This movie being on at this time as I deal with the mixed feelings surrounding a different sort of relationship's demise is the very sort of convergence of timing that has always made me wonder if I do have some sort of guardian angel.

Ponder the example: during my first year in law school, I dated a person. I think I did it because I had never really dated anyone seriously for a long time; I had never experienced the "relationship" thing. I thought that was something I wanted -- but my priorities were obviously elsewhere, my grades, travel, life experiences. Especially if you are female and stuck putting up with all of the assanine gender-role stereotyping shit (and having your partner treat you accordingly), relationships take work. And with respect to that one my first year in law school, we never really got along; inside I knew he was not my type; I was just playing a role. He broke up with me. I was pissed, even hurt. As if being dumped by a loser is something to shed tears about.

John's attitude was different: if someone is not into me, he always said, I could not possibly be interested in them. And our break-up was different as well: I had no right to be out in D.C., when my future was elsewhere. He's doing so well now -- winning directed verdicts; becoming all the brilliance he was meant to be -- and I'm on the right track. I better be.

This weekend I accomplished so much! I set up my shelves; I relaxed; I wrote an article from start to finish; I re-contemplated my values.

"Let the sunshine in."

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I'm sorry Ricky, but nothing good can come from being a fool.

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