maybe my old self is indeed returning!

today was packed.

i spent the first four hours in santa cruz, at the very wonderful party thrown by the residents of the tower geek house. that was cool. i loved meeting all of my icb friends in "physical reality," as one of them would say.

and, at four a.m., instead of staying the night in santa cruz, as i had originally planned to do, i drove back to san francisco. i am not exactly certain why i did that, but i think it had something to do with my need to let things sink in, slowly, as well as my desire to experience the beautiful drive on an almost-empty road.

almost-empty roads are wonderful for thinking.

and when i returned home, i thought some more.

i realized a lot of things.

first, i realized that there are too many men in my life who are nice to me only because they hope to sleep with me.

to that extent, ice-t was right.

which is totally fucking infuriating. sure, i like sex as much as the next person -- maybe even more than the next person -- but sometimes i want to discuss unix and/or politics, not get naked.

call me crazy.

i think i might be celibate for a while.

i also realized that i just might be too driven and work-oriented ever to have a so-called "real" relationship, unless my partner is just as driven and work-related as i am, and likes to spend all day working and/or discussing unix and politics.

that is how john was. he and i used to stay at work together until 3 a.m. on a regular basis. only we discussed law and politics, instead of unix and politics.

third, i realized that i can only date someone who really truly values and seeks out my opinion. so far that i have been out here, i have not met any one such person who both respected and sought out my opinion and wanted to date me.

i also heard an upsetting story today. a male friend of mine, who is recruiting for an exciting new internet start-up, strongly suggested that he would not want to hire a woman that he suspected he might want to sleep with.

with almost all of the hirers male, should it be surprising that so few women are hired for upper-level positions at high-tech start-ups?

i am beginning to conclude that the high-tech world is just as sexist as the legal profession. the only difference with this world is that the men have long hair here.